Today I am sad...

Today I am sad.  I have many reasons to be happy, the biggest of which is sleeping on my lap right now, but today is a melancholy day.

Two years ago around this exact time I was headed to the ER.  Two years ago I lost my third little angel and almost my own life.  Two years ago I lost hopes and dreams and a little piece of my soul.

A lot of joy has come into my life during the past two years.  I can't downplay all the happiness that remains.  But...I will never be the same as I was before that day two years ago.  I'm not sure if I would want to be.

I am so blessed to have Juniper but I long for my angels.  I can't help but wonder about them.  Would they have my eyes, daddy's smile, their little sister's giggle?  When Juniper hits a milestone I imagine them going thru one of their own.  I love them so much even though I never got to hold them in my arms.  I do get to hold them in my heart.  I always will.

Today I shed a few tears in this quiet moment for them.  Mamma loves you and misses you...

Tea Tree Oil is amazing...

Let's talk essential oils, specifically Tea Tree Oil.

I wish I knew more about essential oils and their uses and hopefully someday I will but for now the oil that I use on a daily basis is tea tree oil.  I know there are hundreds of uses for tea tree oil so I lucked out when Apothecary Extracts sent me a bottle of their Australian Tea Tree Oil to try out.  Not only is it an amazing deal but every order comes with a 100 page digital guide on the science behind the oil as well as 53 recipes so you can start using the oil to its full potential!

Currently I use it as part of my cloth wipe solution since it fights against bacteria, fungus and viruses. Kill those germs!  I also add a few drops to my cloth diaper laundry routine.

Tea tree oil can help with multiple skin conditions such as acne, eczema, psoriasis, ringworm, staph infection, sunburn, bug bites, warts, skin tags, boils, corns, dry skin/dandruff, calluses, chicken pox marks, dermatitis, hives, jock itch, scars and scratches.  Using recipes from the guide will help you cleanse your skin in a much more natural way without a lot of the harsh chemicals added to over the counter remedies.

Wouldn't you love to have an antiseptic spray for cuts and scrapes using tea tree oil, lavender, aloe vera and other simple ingredients instead of something from the pharmacy with ingredients you can't pronounce?  How about a toilet cleanser using tea tree oil, lemon, vinegar and baking soda?  I know I'd feel more comfortable having my daughter around that instead of highly noxious bleach fumes.

I can't wait to start implementing this amazing oil into more aspects of my life!

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Happy first birthday...

Let's see if I can write this post without crying...it's time to share my labor and delivery story...

Today is August 9, 2014, 9:15am last year at this time I was driving myself to the hospital to get hooked back up to the monitors after being in preterm labor and on bed-rest for four days.  I had a bit of mother's intuition that it would be the day but that was definitely not in my doctor's plan.

My pregnancy was not an easy one. I had severe morning (umm "morning" is such a lie it was all-day-every-day) sickness for the first 7 months.  I still continued to get sick 3-4 times a week for the remainder, but that was a relief from the 4+ times a day!  I had plantar fasciitis in both feet and every step was like walking on hot pokers, my feet still have not fully recovered.  But, despite all that I loved being pregnant!

My little bug was an active baby.  From that first faint, butterfly wing like movement I never went longer than 10 minutes without feeling something.  After my 3 losses the activity was such a blessing, it helped me stay connected and calmed my nerves.

We decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise.  I had very few choices in the way my delivery would go since I was a mandatory c-section due to my uterine rupture less than a year prior.  Choosing to wait made me feel like I had some say in things.  I also think it made the delivery just a bit more special.

Now all the back story is out of the way, let's get on to the fun part...

I started having minor Braxton Hicks contractions around 34 weeks but never more than 4 an hour and only when I was active or thirsty.  I tried to relax and hydrate as much as possible.  Then at 36 weeks things really picked up.  I started having 4-6 contractions an hour no matter what I was doing.  If I was standing they were 5 minutes apart.  My doctors felt like the best thing would be to get monitored every other day and stay on bed-rest.  It was a scary week.  I knew that each contraction put my uterus at risk of another rupture but that trying to keep the baby in till 37 weeks was also important.  I did a lot of praying and a lot of talking to my little one.

The night of August 8th as I was going to bed I felt a rush of calmness and heard, "you will be holding Juniper Kai tomorrow, just relax."  I did...although the name part threw me off a bit since we had a list of girl's names and although Juniper was on it Kai wasn't.

Beau went to work the next morning and I went off to be monitored thinking about the words of the night before, I was 36 weeks 6 days.  The doctor decided I should stay that night and schedule my c-section for the next morning since I would be officially 37 weeks at that point.  I  agreed to that plan but still heard the words on repeat in my head so knew I wouldn't be spending that night alone.  After a few hours my contractions started to lengthen.  They were 5 minutes apart and lasting for 10-15 minutes each.

The nurses were not happy with how fast I was progressing and they pumped me full of fluids and had me adjust positions trying to slow things down.  The anesthesiologist came up to speak to me and prep me for the next day.  The look on his face as he watched the monitor was priceless.  He kept asking how I was managing to be calm and talk to him while contracting like that.

While finishing the pre-op work up  my precious baby started to have some heart rate decelerations.  I knew to adjust my position and that helped but they paged my doctor quickly.  She decided we couldn't wait any longer and I called Beau and told him it was time.

Ok, welling up a bit now...

Beau seemed a bit on edge but I was all smiles heading into the or.  I was ready to meet my baby.  I heard my doctor say, "Wow, look at those eyelashes, this had better be a girl!"  And then there she was, August 9, 5:02pm, the most beautiful little baby girl I had ever seen!  What, you think I'm biased?  Nope, it's true, she was perfect and you can't tell me otherwise!

Finally having her little warm body placed on mine skin to skin made me feel complete.  I was what I had always dreamed of but never thought possible, I was a mother.

I spent that whole night just staring at her and snuggling her in my arms. (I don't think she spent more than 10 minutes in the bassinet during my entire hospital stay.)  I mentally went thru our list of girl names again but there was no point.  This little miracle was, is, and ever will be, my Juniper Kai.

Now a year later and she is snuggled in my arms nursing and dozing.  I feel like all that was just yesterday but at the same time I can't imagine my life before her.  I know growing up is important and I look forward to watching her change and blossom into an amazing woman but I want to remind her that there is no rush and she should stay little as long as she can.

Happy first birthday my little bug!

Love always, Mamma

10 months...

Today my little miracle is 10 months old...how did that happen?  She's moments away from walking on her own and working on 4 new teeth.  She makes me a better person in every way...

Vitamin C Serum: the new mom's skin savior!

Disclosure: I got this product as part of an advertorial.

As a mom the last thing I have time for is primping and preening in front of a mirror.  Imagine my excitement when I discovered a product that has actually improved my skin to the point where I look fresh and glowing without any work!  I just apply a few drops of Valentia Skin Care's Even Glow Serum to my face and neck in the morning and rub it in like a lotion, add a little mascara and I'm done.  Over the first week or two I noticed my dark under eye circles were fading and my skin tone was more even.  I look more awake and refreshed...amazing!

As a semi-crunchy mom I also love that it boasts 98% natural ingredients, some are even organic.  I like being able to identify what I am putting on my skin.  I could try to explain everything in my own words but even though the vitamin C serum makes me look well rested I am still a tired mamma so please allow me to share their explanation of the key ingredients:

"Vitamin C: With a 20% concentration does more than boost the body’s immune system; it also provides many benefits to keep the skin tight, smooth and looking ageless. Vitamin C has been scientifically proven to reduces the effects of sun exposure on the skin, including sunburn, sun spots, redness and wrinkles.

In addition to helping reduce the signs of aging, Vitamin C is essential for everyday maintenance to strengthen and smooth out the skin, as well as neutralizing free radicals before they can damage the skin. 

***Our additional Key Ingredients below were all selected for their ability to enhance and support Vitamin C's effect on the skin. 

Organic Rosehip Seed Oil & Organic Sea Buckthorn Oil - These oils promote skin hydration and lock in moisture to protect your skin from signs of aging and improve its beauty and youthfulness. Rosehip Oil specifically has been used in medical communities around the world for those with serious skin ailments and only recently has North America learned to embrace natural solutions from our ancestors. These two organic oils are full of antioxidants and therefore act as the perfect supporting cast for our best friend - Vitamin C

Resistem (Plant Stem Cells) - This provides the perfect mix of protection from stress-related aging and promotes skin detoxification. Resistem will help your skin regenerate faster while protecting it from environmental stressors.

Hyaluronic Acid (Botanical) - Holding up to 1000 times its weight in water and drawing moisture out of the environment and onto the surface of your skin ,there is not a more effective moisturizing agent on the market today. Penetrates deeply, and actives collagen production for a fresher, younger, firmer, and brighter complexion

Green Tea Extact- The catechins in green tea are a potent antioxidant which also contribute to the overall anti-inflammatory and anti-irritant benefits of this ancient health and beauty secret."

Ok back to my thoughts...I love it!  The only drawback that I found is that because the vitamin C serum flushes the toxins from the pores it can cause a little acne flair up in the beginning.  To me it was a small price to pay for happy, healthy skin, and it was a very minor issue.  The company has some amazing tricks for facial masks and are quick to respond if you have any questions or concerns.  Again, I love this product and plan on using it forever!

If you are interested in trying it out yourself it is easily available thru amazon and does qualify for free shipping.  A little bit goes a long way so you do get your money's worth.  If you do try the vitamin C serum I would love to hear what you think.  I hope you love your new, fresh skin just as much as I do!

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Happy Mother's Day to all of us...

Today is such a bittersweet day...all week people have said to me, "oh, it's your first Mother's Day, congratulations!"  I wish it was that simple...yes, it is the first Mother's Day where I get to hold my beautiful child, but in my heart, mind and soul I have been a mother for 8 years.  Today I hold those three precious angels in my heart along with all of you who are either dreading this day completely or feel a similar bittersweet-ness as I do...and in my arms I hold my miracle baby Juniper.

I went thru my third loss around the same time that a mother in California did.  She was brave enough to make a few YouTube videos about her grieving process and then she and her husband went on to start some pretty popular channels chronicling their daily life as well as her next pregnancy.  Last year on Mother's Day she made a very poignant tribute to all mothers and this year she kept the tradition going.  Here are the links to both the videos, so grab your tissues and happy Mother's Day to us all!

http://ctt.ec/94iy7+

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MosAkwGMJYM

Be kind...

Just checking in...

I know my posts have been sporadic.  I try to avoid anything with a screen while Juniper is awake.  I am not always successful with that goal but I'm trying.  I need to get better at finding time to write...or should I say using some of the time I have to write.  I often just zone out during her nap times and I know that sometimes that is exactly what I need but it is also a little lazy of me.  New goal: put up a post at least once a week!  Ok, there it is in writing, now to stick with it!

It seems like spring is finally here!  Bring on the sunshine...even though a certain someone likes to rise with the sun these days.  Tomorrow is one of my tough days.  May 5th was the due date for my angel that I lost from the uterine rupture.  I am so grateful to have Juniper in my arms but do miss the what could have been with her angel siblings.  My heart is with them and with all of you that know what these tough days are like.  I love this saying and want to end this little post with it and a big hug for all of you and our loved ones...all of them...

Little shopping trip haul...

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I live on an island...an island with no chain stores...so when I am able to venture off I take that opportunity to do some shopping!  Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment on the mainland so that meant a trip to Trader Joes and Babies R Us was in order.  I thought I'd share my little haul...

First stop TJ's!  I love it, not exactly sure what it is, but I could spend hours at Trader Joes.  Unfortunately I only had time for a quick peruse of each aisle but I did come away with some things I needed and for great prices!  Of course I grabbed a jar of coconut oil because as a cloth diapering, semi-crunchy mom I can't live without it.  I also got a jar of tea tree oil since I've heard it is great for using in cloth wipe solution as well as various other capacities.  Lunchtime is always hard for this mamma to get good, nutritious food and I've been hearing a lot of talk about overnight oatmeal so I grabbed some steel cut oats and chia seeds and am going to search some recipes later today.  If anyone has suggestions, please send them my way!

Juniper has grown out of most of her pajamas and I have the remainder of a gift card to BRU so that was my next stop.  First off let me say having a tall baby is a challenge when it comes to sleepwear.  At 8 months she is already height-wise in 9-12 month clothing but the clothing companies seem to stop making one piece sleepers in 12 and up sizes.  Of course my baby dinosaur had to get the dino pjs and daddy found the cute frog ones, both Carter's size 12 (which is really 9-12).  I wanted something in the next size up for summer use so since one piece was not possible at least I found a cute 4-piece set with sea turtles in Carter's size 18 (the "girl" prints/patterns were a little too flashy for my taste).  All the pajamas were 50% off so I got a great deal.

Beau has wanted Juniper to have a shape sorter since it seems like the next step from her stacking toys and we found a really cute turtle option.  She loves it and it will probably be a fun thing to play with in the sand at the beach too.  Juniper loves book time and also visiting the animals at the farm down the street, so when we found a great Eric Carle book with realistic farm animal sounds it was a must have!

I think Juniper's favorite part of the day was going out to eat with mommy and daddy.  I love when I can find something on a menu that she can share with me.  We had a grilled chicken sandwich with cheddar, bacon and avocado, and sweet potato fries.  Daddy had clam chowder and a basket of fried clams.  The weather was beautiful so we even got to sit outside under the awning and enjoy the sunshine.  All in all it was a productive day but it's always nice to come back to the peace of our little island home.

Happy Birthday Spray Pal 2.0!!

I know I have mentioned my love for the Spray Pal but I haven't told you one of the other amazing facts about it...

The creation of the Spray Pal is not only to help all us cloth diapering mammas but also to help one mamma in particular.  Mini Spray Pal 2.0 (Ryan) was born at 25 weeks and had to spend 7 months in the NICU, undergoing numerous surgeries.  He lost his hearing and the lens in one eye, remains on oxygen and is fed with a tube but against all odds he just turned 2 on March 20th!  Every time a Spray Pal is sold it is giving Ryan's mom the ability to stay home and care for him and his big sister.  In honor of this miraculous little boy's birthday Spray Pal and many wonderful businesses, both corporate and WAHMs, are doing two large giveaways!  There are some awesome prizes so please enter and also give Spray Pal 2.0 and his family some love!

http://spray-pal.com/its-here-minispbdaybash-and-giveaway/

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Finding hope...

A few months back I stumbled upon a blog that I have since grown to love!  Kristen from whenathome.com writes in a way that really speaks to me.  I am honored to be a part of her newest series on all things fertility related, entitled "Finding Hope".

All this week and next week amazing, brave women are sharing their personal stories.  Mine went up today finding-hope: melissa's-story .  Please read and share love with all the women who are a part of this series, and of course, read everything Kristen has written because she's awesome.  Thank you Kristen for sharing your blog with us!

Solids...a sneak peak...

We officially started solids!  I am trying to follow the baby led weaning style so we skipped purées and went straight to real food.  Juniper had her first taste of sweet potato "fries" and loved them!  I also got to start using some of my new cloth diapering tools, my sprayer, Spray-Pal and Diaper Dawgs!

 I will tell you more about both of our experiences in a later blog but wanted to share this milestone briefly for now.

My new best friends...(Diaper Dawgs review & Giveaway)

If dogs are a man's best friend then Diaper Dawgs are a cloth diapering mamma's best friend!

I have been wanting a pair of Diaper Dawgs since I first saw them.  You can imagine my excitement when my very own dawgy duo arrived in the mail!  Diaper Dawgs come in two color pack options, Milo (blue) & Buddy (green) and Molly (purple) & Bella (pink).  I chose for Milo & Buddy to come live with us and our cloth diapers.

By now I am sure you are wondering what I am talking about...what do dogs, I mean Dawgs, have to do with cloth diapering?  For me, the worst part of the cloth diaper experience is separating the inserts from my pocket diapers and removing the yucky liners from my covers.  I can have Milo & Buddy do the dirty work for me!  Diaper Dawgs are silicone mitts to protect your fingers from soiled diaper liners/inserts.  Just slip a Dawg on and let him (or her) "fetch" that messy part.  I know some moms have had success using these to help wring out wet inserts and that wasn't the case for me because the dirty water ended up getting inside but that could just be my bad form and not a fault of the design.  I am looking forward to their help as I start Juniper on solids.  My need to get at those nasty inserts will be increasing here very soon and I can already see the Diaper Dawgs, my Spray Pal, and diaper sprayer becoming my cloth diaper heroes!

Buddy in action...well pretend action anyway...

Diaper Dawgs are easy to clean, unlike my actual dogs.  You can either hand wash them with warm water and antibacterial soap or use a microwaveable sterilizer bag.  I keep one with my wipe container at my changing table, since there is not a sink handy I just spritz him with some hand sanitizer and let him air dry in between his bi-weekly baths.  You don't even have to feed them...best pet ever!

Speaking of eating, the Diaper Dawgs mouth makes storage easy.  The open mouth rests perfectly on the rim of a wipe container or diaper pail, etc.  You can also store the duo together after a really big mess by just letting them love on each other a little bit.

Want your own pair of Diaper Dawgs?  They retail for $7.95, or you can win your own duo below!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

*I received a product in exchange for this review, but all content, photos and opinions are my own.  Your experiences may differ.

*No purchase necessary to win.  Wishes4 fishes is not responsible for any technical failures or for shipping of the prize.  Open to U.S & Canada, ages 18+.  Facebook and Twitter are in no way associated with this giveaway.  Tweets must be PUBLIC to be eligible.  Wishes4fishes reserves the right to publish winner’s first name and last initial.  Void where prohibited by law.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Juniper and I just wanted to share a little Valentine's love.

Cupid's Arrow Target Giveaway...

Welcome to the Cupid's Arrow Target Gift Card Giveaway sponsored by Dictated and Segment and hosted by The Parenting Patch! February 14 is approaching fast. Valentine's Day will be here and gone before you know. In celebration of the holiday love, how would you like to win $50 straight from Cupid's arrow to spend at Target? Two (2) lucky readers of The Parenting Patch, Dictated, Segment, and YOUR BLOG HERE will each win one (1) $50 gift card to Target. To enter for your chance to win the Cupid's Arrow Target Gift Card Giveaway, simply use the following Rafflecopter form. Good luck! Happy Valentine's Day! a Rafflecopter giveaway The Cupid's Arrow Target Gift Card Giveaway is open worldwide. An international winner will receive $50 via PayPal in lieu of the specified prize. The Cupid's Arrow Target Gift Card Giveaway ends at midnight CST on February 19, 2014. Two winners will be chosen at random via Rafflecopter. The winners will be sent an email and will have forty-eight hours to respond. If no response is received within forty-eight hours, another winner will be chosen. The Parenting Patch and other participating blogs are not responsible for prize fulfillment.

Win some fluff money...

I love a baby with a fluff butt!  Cloth diapers have made such a huge difference for me and baby Juniper.  No rashes, no yucky blowouts, no harsh chemicals and on top of that they are super cute!  Here is your chance to try them out if you haven't yet, or for those cloth diaper addicts just add to your stash...

Welcome to the Nicki's Diapers Gift Card Giveaway sponsored by Inter Packet News and hosted by The Parenting Patch! One lucky reader of The Parenting Patch and Inter Packet News will win one (1) $20 gift card to Nicki's Diapers. To enter for your chance to win the Nicki's Diapers Gift Card Giveaway, simply use the following Rafflecopter form. Good luck! a Rafflecopter giveaway The Nicki's Diapers Gift Card Giveaway is open worldwide. An international winner will receive $20 via PayPal in lieu of the specified prize. The Nicki's Diapers Gift Card Giveaway ends at midnight CST on February 17, 2014. One winner will be chosen at random via Rafflecopter. The winner will be sent an email and will have forty-eight hours to respond. If no response is received within forty-eight hours, another winner will be chosen. The Parenting Patch and other participating blogs are not responsible for prize fulfillment.

Valentine's Day is coming...

Welcome to the Crazy Cupid $25 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway sponsored by the USA Herald and hosted by The Parenting Patch! One lucky reader of The Parenting Patch and the USA Herald will win one (1) $25 Amazon gift card. To enter for your chance to win the Crazy Cupid $25 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway, simply use the following Rafflecopter form. Good luck! Happy Valentine's Day! a Rafflecopter giveaway The Crazy Cupid $25 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway is open worldwide. An international winner will receive $25 via PayPal in lieu of the specified prize. The Crazy Cupid $25 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway ends at midnight CST on February 15, 2014. One winner will be chosen at random via Rafflecopter. The winner will be sent an email and will have forty-eight hours to respond. If no response is received within forty-eight hours, another winner will be chosen. The Parenting Patch and YOUR BLOG HERE are not responsible for prize fulfillment.

Fun book giveaway!

Welcome to the 'Fanny Foozle: The Four Leaf Fantuckle Festival' Book Giveaway sponsored by Fanny Foozle and hosted by The Parenting Patch. Fanny Foozle is pink and lives in the town of Flamboozle with her Foodle Dog Sam. Every day is a fantastic adventure, a folly and a big surprise. So come bounce along with Fanny Foozle in the town of Flamboozle. One lucky reader of The Parenting Patch will win one (1) copy of the 'Fanny Foozle: The Four Leaf Fantuckle Festival' book. To enter for your chance to win the 'Fanny Foozle: The Four Leaf Fantuckle Festival' Book Giveaway, simply use the following Rafflecopter form. Good luck! Happy reading! a Rafflecopter giveaway The 'Fanny Foozle: The Four Leaf Fantuckle Festival' Book Giveaway is restricted to legal residents of the United States of America. The 'Fanny Foozle: The Four Leaf Fantuckle Festival' Book Giveaway ends at midnight CST on February 4, 2014. One winner will be chosen at random via Rafflecopter. The winner will be sent an email and will have forty-eight hours to respond. If no response is received within forty-eight hours, another winner will be chosen. The Parenting Patch and other participating blogs are not responsible for prize fulfillment.

And The Winner Is...

The winner of the little mouse finger puppet is...

Go to my Facebook page to see who lucky #19 is!

Facebook giveaway...

I'm giving away this little finger puppet on Facebook for reaching 50 fans...

Everyone who has "liked" my Facebook page gets an instant entry but more entries can be earned by:

1: following this blog with email updates

2: commenting on any blog post

3: inviting a friend to my Facebook page

4: "liking" the post about the update

5: sharing the post

If you want to get in on the giveaway just head over to my Facebook page...

www.facebook.com/wishes4fishes

(And if you think this giveaway is fun just you wait to see what happens when I get even more followers!)

Is she your first...

Wanted to post my guest blog on my own page to share with you...

"Is she your first?"

I dread that question.  I smile/grimace and respond with a yes all while my heart aches.  Yes, she is my first baby that I have been able to snuggle in my arms, my first baby to come home with me, my firstborn but she is also my fourth child.  I have three angel babies that someday I can't wait to hold like I do their little sister, but in most company the mention of my other three babies would be met with a look of confusion and in some situations disgust.

Motherhood is not always measured by the number of children you can see.  Some of us have children that unfortunately we have not been able to share with the world.  We are still mothers.

Pregnancy and motherhood after loss has it's own set of challenges and I think most of us feel unable to talk about them.  Instead of feeling excitement after seeing my positive pregnancy test I felt a cold wave of terror.  How could I go through this again?  Would I lose this baby too?  Was my health at risk as I had almost died from a uterine rupture just three months prior?

I think reactions like mine are more common than we think but until we start sharing our experiences openly we will remain in seclusion.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  I didn't want to post on pregnancy sites and scare the happy mothers to be.  I didn't want to offend anyone on the grief & loss boards or ectopic pregnancy support groups.  Where did I belong?  I was between two worlds.

I decided to start a group for pregnancy after an ectopic but even that seems too specific and segregated.  I would love to find an outlet where all mothers (and their partners) who are dealing with loss can come together and receive the love and support they need.  Then someday I hope we can talk about the babies that make us mothers, the babies that the outside world can't see, without it being seen as strange or morbid.

I think one of the greatest gifts I have ever received was a card I got from my sister in law and nieces telling me that a tree had been planted for their baby cousin.  That gesture meant so much to me, it gave my baby the validity that I felt but the world didn't understand.  Knowing that at least one person out there saw me as the mother that in my heart I was gave me the strength to cautiously proceed through my fourth pregnancy.

I feel so blessed to finally be able to hold one of my children and proudly show her to the world.  Yet, I still miss and long for her three siblings.  I watch her and wonder what my other babies would have looked like and think how much fun they could have had playing with each other.  When she is older I will tell her about her three guardian angels and hope that she will understand and love them as I do.

Guest blog...

My guest blog is up...

http://pregoandmommychat.blogspot.com/2014/01/is-she-your-first_6.html?m=1

Welcoming in the new year with mastitis...

I spent my New Year's Eve in true mommy style...heating pad, breast pump and a fever of 102*...mastitis decided to rear its ugly head right in time for the festivities.

Earlier in the morning I noticed that a large portion of my right breast was still very hard even after a long nursing session.  I had dealt with the same scenario several weeks earlier and had 3 days of pain before I was able to get things unplugged and back to normal.  Thankfully I never had a fever or other problems that time but I was worried that it was the exact same area now.  I also didn't want to mess around since it was New Year's Eve and I didn't want to end up dealing with an ER visit if things got worse.  I called my doctor's office and they thought the smartest thing to do was have antibiotics on hand.  Of course as a breastfeeding mom the idea of taking any medecine freaked me out but it was just my backup plan...right?!

After putting Juniper down for the night I geared up with my heating pad and pump just like I had last time.  Was that dizzy feeling just in my head?  Yup, that had to be it, I was just panicking myself.  I went to bed excited about all that this upcoming year would bring.

When the sounds of the midnight fireworks woke me I realized I was in trouble.  I was shaking and shivering and my body hurt so badly I couldn't move.  At about 2am I managed to crawl out of bed to take my temp.  I saw the thermometer's light turn red...uhoh.  My backup plan was now reality.

In the morning my fever was down to a manageable level but I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  Every joint ached and I was very weak.  How was I supposed to be an attentive mommy when I could barely hold the weight of my baby to nurse her?  Juniper and I just cozied up and she didn't seem to mind having all the extra snuggle time.

Thankfully none of this has put a damper on my ability to breastfeed.  I have learned I can still be a good mom even when sick.  We just read books instead of taking a walk, I lay on the floor with her for tummy time, and there is nothing wrong with indulging in a nap together.

Mastitis used to be one of my big mom fears but now I've learned that I am tougher than it is!

my pump/heating pad routine

hmm...that doesn't look normal