Is she your first...

Wanted to post my guest blog on my own page to share with you...

"Is she your first?"

I dread that question.  I smile/grimace and respond with a yes all while my heart aches.  Yes, she is my first baby that I have been able to snuggle in my arms, my first baby to come home with me, my firstborn but she is also my fourth child.  I have three angel babies that someday I can't wait to hold like I do their little sister, but in most company the mention of my other three babies would be met with a look of confusion and in some situations disgust.

Motherhood is not always measured by the number of children you can see.  Some of us have children that unfortunately we have not been able to share with the world.  We are still mothers.

Pregnancy and motherhood after loss has it's own set of challenges and I think most of us feel unable to talk about them.  Instead of feeling excitement after seeing my positive pregnancy test I felt a cold wave of terror.  How could I go through this again?  Would I lose this baby too?  Was my health at risk as I had almost died from a uterine rupture just three months prior?

I think reactions like mine are more common than we think but until we start sharing our experiences openly we will remain in seclusion.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  I didn't want to post on pregnancy sites and scare the happy mothers to be.  I didn't want to offend anyone on the grief & loss boards or ectopic pregnancy support groups.  Where did I belong?  I was between two worlds.

I decided to start a group for pregnancy after an ectopic but even that seems too specific and segregated.  I would love to find an outlet where all mothers (and their partners) who are dealing with loss can come together and receive the love and support they need.  Then someday I hope we can talk about the babies that make us mothers, the babies that the outside world can't see, without it being seen as strange or morbid.

I think one of the greatest gifts I have ever received was a card I got from my sister in law and nieces telling me that a tree had been planted for their baby cousin.  That gesture meant so much to me, it gave my baby the validity that I felt but the world didn't understand.  Knowing that at least one person out there saw me as the mother that in my heart I was gave me the strength to cautiously proceed through my fourth pregnancy.

I feel so blessed to finally be able to hold one of my children and proudly show her to the world.  Yet, I still miss and long for her three siblings.  I watch her and wonder what my other babies would have looked like and think how much fun they could have had playing with each other.  When she is older I will tell her about her three guardian angels and hope that she will understand and love them as I do.