Sorry for the radio silence...the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I haven't exactly known how to talk about it all. I still really don't know how to talk about it but I promised honesty and openness on this blog so I will try...
With the complications I have been having and the holiday season busyness I didn't really think too much of the fact that good ol' aunt flo hadn't made an appearance. I was aware that I was late (I have been tracking my body since July, 2011 when I started a 6 month cycle of Lupron injections) but sort of assumed that my lateness had more to do with the pain and complications than with anything else. Plus, I was having absolutely no symptoms and with both my prior miscarriages and with my ectopic I had the tiredness and nipple tenderness (sorry if that's TMI) and scent sensitivity very early on. Well I guess I was a little on the tired side, but again blamed that on the fact that I wasn't sleeping well due to my discomfort and the holidays. The other reason I didn't pay too much attention to my lateness was that we had been told after my ectopic to wait to try again for at least 4 months and my doctor scheduled an appointment to potentially give me the green light on January 22. So we were actively taking precautions to avoid pregnancy.
On New Year's day I realized I was 10 days late and started to get nervous that there was something drastically wrong with me. I wanted to have all the information before getting my doctors involved so decided to take a pregnancy test just to be able to tell them that I had ruled that concern out. After waiting the requisite 3 minutes I glanced at the test. Well, there was definitely a plus sign but one line was a lot darker than the other, in my head I convinced myself that the dark line was the one that always shows up, so I texted a photo to a good friend who is an OBGYN nurse. Her response was, "no, that is definitely a positive!" The dark line was the positive line.
Well instead of getting excited I just got terrified. Why was I not feeling symptoms? What about the adhesions from my ectopic? When was I going to lose this one? I'm still terrified. I called my doctors office first thing on the 2nd and they had me go in for blood work right away and scheduled an ultrasound for the following day. My HCG came back at 9,222 and Progesterone was 14.42, both really good numbers. I still didn't relax. I went in for the ultrasound and it was the same tech as the night of my ectopic, I was just watching her face waiting for the look of concern. An ultrasound tech is not allowed by law to give any information and she reiterated that to me but also said that she could tell I was a bundle of nerves so she could give me some hints to try to put me at ease. So throughout the scans she would say things like "now this is something we like to see" and "I am not seeing anything like I did the last time." I saw the sack, I saw the tiny heart. I still didn't relax. My doctor called me that evening and informed me that everything was in the right place and the heartbeat was 100bpm and he would see me on Monday for a quick exam and then I will have another ultrasound this coming Friday. I still didn't relax. The absent symptoms have hit me with a vengeance this past week. It's like they are making up for lost time. But yet, I still can't relax.
I am a nervous wreck. I feel like I'm about to burst into tears at any moment. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I don't fit into any of my usual support groups. I am scared to offend the women in my ectopic group. I am worried about scaring women who don't have my past in the regular pregnancy forums. I feel like I am just waiting for the floor to drop out on me again. I want to try to relax into this pregnancy, but I don't know how. I feel like since the odds were so against this that maybe it has to be a good thing. Maybe?!
Well, I don't know what the future holds for me and for this baby, but I guess for better or for worse I will talk about it on here. I'm trying so hard to hold on to hope. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...
Pregnancy & Motherhood After Loss
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas computer land! Take some time today to hug someone you love, smile at a stranger, send prayers to those lost and do something nice for yourself. Also, get off the computer and media devices and interact with those around you, I promise it will be worth it...
Monday, December 17, 2012
Quick Update...
I don't have specific details right now on what is going on with my body but I wanted to post what updates I have.
The ultrasound went well. I had been a little worried that going through it would dredge up a lot of sadness since if things had gone according to plan I would be 20 weeks now and seeing a whole different view on the screen. The technician was so kind and nurturing that what could have been a horrible experience was very tolerable. Thankfully the internal incision line appears to be strong. The concern now is that during the healing process the uterus may have adhered to the abdominal muscle wall.
Both my doctors think it would be best for me to go see a reproductive endocrinologist who is also the head of the minimally invasive gynecology surgery department at a different hospital. With finances being such a major issue for me right now I was lucky to get an appointment in just 3 weeks. That will leave plenty of time to schedule a surgery before my deductible year changes on February 1st if that is needed.
For now I still hurt, but having a plan helps. Beau had told me that I was losing my Christmas spirit so I have been going out of my way to try and regain it. Here is the picture that accompanied my sister-in-law's email telling me about the tree dedication for my little fish, it will serve as a Christmas tree for this site. Only 8 more sleeps till Christmas!
The ultrasound went well. I had been a little worried that going through it would dredge up a lot of sadness since if things had gone according to plan I would be 20 weeks now and seeing a whole different view on the screen. The technician was so kind and nurturing that what could have been a horrible experience was very tolerable. Thankfully the internal incision line appears to be strong. The concern now is that during the healing process the uterus may have adhered to the abdominal muscle wall.
Both my doctors think it would be best for me to go see a reproductive endocrinologist who is also the head of the minimally invasive gynecology surgery department at a different hospital. With finances being such a major issue for me right now I was lucky to get an appointment in just 3 weeks. That will leave plenty of time to schedule a surgery before my deductible year changes on February 1st if that is needed.
For now I still hurt, but having a plan helps. Beau had told me that I was losing my Christmas spirit so I have been going out of my way to try and regain it. Here is the picture that accompanied my sister-in-law's email telling me about the tree dedication for my little fish, it will serve as a Christmas tree for this site. Only 8 more sleeps till Christmas!
Friday, December 7, 2012
When life hands you lemons...
Well, it looks like I'm about to add to my giant life lemonade supply.
I mentioned that I've been having some rough days lately starting on Thanksgiving. The pain on the left side of my uterus (the ruptured side) went from being random little twinges to hurting most of the time. In my head I tried to convince myself that it is just the scar tissue doing weird things, but Beau told me that I was being silly and should talk to my doctor. I called yesterday because I knew it was her day off and didn't want to bother her and figured I could just speak to one of the nurses. Well, the nurse called my doctor who squeezed me in for an appointment today.
I just came from my exam and the concern is that the suture area has been compromised in some way. I have to go in for an ultrasound on Monday. Depending on what the ultrasound shows I may have to have yet another laparoscopy so that they can really make sure that everything looks good before they allow me to try to conceive. I really, really, really do not want to have another laparoscopy. Not only does it just add to my medical financial issues but it would also push back our time frame to start trying again by an additional 3 months after the surgery. AARRGGHH!!
I'm crossing my fingers and toes that everything will be ok both physically and financially. This will all be worth it at some point, it just has to be...can I offer anyone a glass of lemonade?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
My tiny fish that got away...
Some days are harder than others...this is one of those days.
In order to understand why that is I should probably share more of my story.
I found out that I was pregnant on September 5th and I was overjoyed! We had just returned from our trip to Seattle for my little brother's wedding and I was tired all the time. I blamed my exhaustion on the time change but as the days passed and I still couldn't shake it off I decided to look a little more closely at the calendar. Hmm, I was a week late, could it be?! I nervously took the test and there it was, a very distinct plus sign! I started reading everything I could and annoyed Beau to no end with my daily updates on what was happening in my belly according to all my pregnancy apps. We decided that we should wait to tell people till my second trimester because of my medical history but I did tell my sister-in-law almost immediately because I couldn't contain my excitement.
The next couple of weeks were some of the happiest times in my life. I talked to my belly all the time. I didn't have any major morning sickness but I did suffer from nausea and food aversions. The baby seemed to relax anytime I was in the ocean which was perfect since I am such a water person. We went for mile long swims every morning like I had been doing all summer. I felt so bonded to the little fishlette growing inside me. On Thursday the 13th while I was showering off after our swim something didn't feel right. All of a sudden my nausea was out of control and I felt really dizzy. I sat down on a beach chair in the yard to see if it all would pass. It didn't, it just got worse. I started having strong cramps on my left side. I knew then that something was really wrong because 3 years ago I had the ovary and fallopian tube from my left side removed. There was nothing on that side that should hurt but yet the pain was so intense that I was shivering and shaking at the same time. I called Beau and told him that he needed to come home from work ASAP and take me to the emergency room. He is used to my body's pain and problems so for him to hear that I actually was willing to spend the money for an ER visit meant it was very serious.
While I waited for him to come get me I called my doctor's office and spoke to one of the nurses who told me that as soon as I got to the ER to make sure they started an ultrasound right away and she would call my doctor and have her come in. Of course the actual ER process never runs as smoothly as you hope it will. While sitting in the waiting room, the pain got exponentially worse. Thankfully I knew the woman at the sign in desk and she noticed that I wasn't doing well and went back to force a triage nurse to come out for me. They put me in a room and started asking me if I wanted pain meds. I kept refusing them saying that I wanted to know what was going on first. I didn't care how bad I hurt, if there was any chance that the baby was ok then I would suffer in order to not take anything that could harm my little one. They finally got me in for the ultrasounds and it was torturous. Not only did the pressure of the wand on my abdomen hurt, not to mention what the internal wand felt like, but to lay there and not see a heartbeat just broke my heart. I lay there sobbing quietly while Beau just squeezed my hand.
We were put back in my room and I was just trying to not panic Beau with the amount of pain I was in. He hates hospitals and needles. He could barely look while they hooked me up to all the IV's. The pain was too bad to lay down so I was kind of stuck in a weird squat of sorts just trying to keep the pressure off. My doctor later told Beau that she had no idea how I was able to sit up and talk during it all. My blood pressure was so low that I shouldn't have even been awake. When my doctor finally arrived I was so relieved. I had had enough of the ER doctors and just wanted someone who knew me and my body. She told me that she hadn't seen the ultrasound yet but the two options were ruptured cyst or ectopic pregnancy and they had to proceed as if it was the latter. She told me she would go in laparoscopically to see what was going on. She left to look at the ultrasound images and then ran back into the room and grabbed my hand. She told me that she would now be doing a full laparotomy and she needed to do it as quickly as possible. I had a ruptured interstitial or cornual ectopic pregnancy. Instead of the typical tubal ectopic this was in the uterus but had adhered to the scar tissue where my left tube had been removed and had ruptured the uterus. It is a very rare form but one of the most life threatening. Not only had my baby died but I was now bleeding internally and was close to dying myself.
I had been texting my sister-in-law all afternoon and keeping her updated on what was going on. I asked her to make all the calls to my family to save Beau on the stress of that. I just asked that he call my boss and let them know that I wouldn't be in for a while. I finally allowed them to start me on pain killers. I had three IV's going in order to get in all the meds and also keep a safe line for a blood transfusion. Beau just sat and kissed me or rubbed my feet while the staff rushed around us. My doctor promised that she would do everything she could to save my uterus. Thankfully she is amazing and was able to do just that.
I spent three days in the ICU. My blood pressure took a long time to come back up. 24 hours post surgery and it was still at barely above coma level at 60/40. It was a hard recovery. I was physically in really rough shape and emotionally I was even worse. All my dreams and hopes for the future were shattered. I felt like yet again my body was failing me. After they released me my doctor put me on two weeks of bed rest which was hard to get through especially knowing that my precious baby was gone. It was hard to look at my body because the swelling made me look pregnant and I was still having all my pregnancy symptoms. It was such a relief when the hormones started to settle down. I was also told I could not swim for 6 weeks post surgery. The one thing that calmed me was gone too. The day after my 6 weeks was up I got back in the ocean, I didn't care that it was barely a 58 degree water temp.
Like I said before, some days are harder than others. My sister-in-law has been a huge blessing during this time. She has sent me care packages and beautiful cards from my little nieces and they planted a tree for my baby. She has gone out of her way to validate that even though it was tiny my baby was real and mattered. For that, I can never thank her enough. Beau has been my rock. Unlike me he looks at me and sees the woman he loves and not my scars. I still struggle with pain as my body continues to heal. My emotions are all over the place. I don't go a day without thinking about my little one. Some days I'm able to smile and laugh, others are filled with tears. I really just want to make something good come out of all this bad. I'm trying.
Halloween was hard because we were going to use that day to tell people about the pregnancy. Thanksgiving was harder because not only was I not feeling very thankful I also woke up to pain at 3am to find out my period had started and it felt like a knife was in my incisions. I am trying to enjoy Christmas and not give in to sadness during this time. I will have a good Christmas and I will keep hope for this coming year! I will repeat that as my mantra and maybe it will come true!
In order to understand why that is I should probably share more of my story.
I found out that I was pregnant on September 5th and I was overjoyed! We had just returned from our trip to Seattle for my little brother's wedding and I was tired all the time. I blamed my exhaustion on the time change but as the days passed and I still couldn't shake it off I decided to look a little more closely at the calendar. Hmm, I was a week late, could it be?! I nervously took the test and there it was, a very distinct plus sign! I started reading everything I could and annoyed Beau to no end with my daily updates on what was happening in my belly according to all my pregnancy apps. We decided that we should wait to tell people till my second trimester because of my medical history but I did tell my sister-in-law almost immediately because I couldn't contain my excitement.
The next couple of weeks were some of the happiest times in my life. I talked to my belly all the time. I didn't have any major morning sickness but I did suffer from nausea and food aversions. The baby seemed to relax anytime I was in the ocean which was perfect since I am such a water person. We went for mile long swims every morning like I had been doing all summer. I felt so bonded to the little fishlette growing inside me. On Thursday the 13th while I was showering off after our swim something didn't feel right. All of a sudden my nausea was out of control and I felt really dizzy. I sat down on a beach chair in the yard to see if it all would pass. It didn't, it just got worse. I started having strong cramps on my left side. I knew then that something was really wrong because 3 years ago I had the ovary and fallopian tube from my left side removed. There was nothing on that side that should hurt but yet the pain was so intense that I was shivering and shaking at the same time. I called Beau and told him that he needed to come home from work ASAP and take me to the emergency room. He is used to my body's pain and problems so for him to hear that I actually was willing to spend the money for an ER visit meant it was very serious.
While I waited for him to come get me I called my doctor's office and spoke to one of the nurses who told me that as soon as I got to the ER to make sure they started an ultrasound right away and she would call my doctor and have her come in. Of course the actual ER process never runs as smoothly as you hope it will. While sitting in the waiting room, the pain got exponentially worse. Thankfully I knew the woman at the sign in desk and she noticed that I wasn't doing well and went back to force a triage nurse to come out for me. They put me in a room and started asking me if I wanted pain meds. I kept refusing them saying that I wanted to know what was going on first. I didn't care how bad I hurt, if there was any chance that the baby was ok then I would suffer in order to not take anything that could harm my little one. They finally got me in for the ultrasounds and it was torturous. Not only did the pressure of the wand on my abdomen hurt, not to mention what the internal wand felt like, but to lay there and not see a heartbeat just broke my heart. I lay there sobbing quietly while Beau just squeezed my hand.
We were put back in my room and I was just trying to not panic Beau with the amount of pain I was in. He hates hospitals and needles. He could barely look while they hooked me up to all the IV's. The pain was too bad to lay down so I was kind of stuck in a weird squat of sorts just trying to keep the pressure off. My doctor later told Beau that she had no idea how I was able to sit up and talk during it all. My blood pressure was so low that I shouldn't have even been awake. When my doctor finally arrived I was so relieved. I had had enough of the ER doctors and just wanted someone who knew me and my body. She told me that she hadn't seen the ultrasound yet but the two options were ruptured cyst or ectopic pregnancy and they had to proceed as if it was the latter. She told me she would go in laparoscopically to see what was going on. She left to look at the ultrasound images and then ran back into the room and grabbed my hand. She told me that she would now be doing a full laparotomy and she needed to do it as quickly as possible. I had a ruptured interstitial or cornual ectopic pregnancy. Instead of the typical tubal ectopic this was in the uterus but had adhered to the scar tissue where my left tube had been removed and had ruptured the uterus. It is a very rare form but one of the most life threatening. Not only had my baby died but I was now bleeding internally and was close to dying myself.
I had been texting my sister-in-law all afternoon and keeping her updated on what was going on. I asked her to make all the calls to my family to save Beau on the stress of that. I just asked that he call my boss and let them know that I wouldn't be in for a while. I finally allowed them to start me on pain killers. I had three IV's going in order to get in all the meds and also keep a safe line for a blood transfusion. Beau just sat and kissed me or rubbed my feet while the staff rushed around us. My doctor promised that she would do everything she could to save my uterus. Thankfully she is amazing and was able to do just that.
I spent three days in the ICU. My blood pressure took a long time to come back up. 24 hours post surgery and it was still at barely above coma level at 60/40. It was a hard recovery. I was physically in really rough shape and emotionally I was even worse. All my dreams and hopes for the future were shattered. I felt like yet again my body was failing me. After they released me my doctor put me on two weeks of bed rest which was hard to get through especially knowing that my precious baby was gone. It was hard to look at my body because the swelling made me look pregnant and I was still having all my pregnancy symptoms. It was such a relief when the hormones started to settle down. I was also told I could not swim for 6 weeks post surgery. The one thing that calmed me was gone too. The day after my 6 weeks was up I got back in the ocean, I didn't care that it was barely a 58 degree water temp.
Like I said before, some days are harder than others. My sister-in-law has been a huge blessing during this time. She has sent me care packages and beautiful cards from my little nieces and they planted a tree for my baby. She has gone out of her way to validate that even though it was tiny my baby was real and mattered. For that, I can never thank her enough. Beau has been my rock. Unlike me he looks at me and sees the woman he loves and not my scars. I still struggle with pain as my body continues to heal. My emotions are all over the place. I don't go a day without thinking about my little one. Some days I'm able to smile and laugh, others are filled with tears. I really just want to make something good come out of all this bad. I'm trying.
Halloween was hard because we were going to use that day to tell people about the pregnancy. Thanksgiving was harder because not only was I not feeling very thankful I also woke up to pain at 3am to find out my period had started and it felt like a knife was in my incisions. I am trying to enjoy Christmas and not give in to sadness during this time. I will have a good Christmas and I will keep hope for this coming year! I will repeat that as my mantra and maybe it will come true!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Hello!
Hello random internet people reading this! My name is Melissa, I am 32 and I have girlie issues.
Now it's your turn..."Hi, Melissa!"
Thanks, everyone, I feel so welcome now.
OK, enough of that silliness...
As I was saying I have, in trite words, girlie issues...basically every bit of my body that is a part of me being a woman has problems. I decided to start blogging and vlogging about it all as a way to accept and hopefully heal and deal with what life has handed me. I have endometriosis, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), have had cervical cancer (clean for 5 years now!), have had two miscarriages and a ruptured interstitial ectopic pregnancy. I have undergone 6 surgeries and several other abdominal procedures. Yup, my body is not always my friend, it is sometimes the worst enemy I can imagine but it's the only one I've got. I thought maybe if I shared my stories and experiences it would help me and maybe help others that are in similar situations.
Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. If you don't want to share your question publicly then please email me. I don't claim to be any sort of expert but I am a good listener and I will be honest with you. I think the hardest part of having gynecological and fertility problems is the feeling of not being able to talk about them. I know I have often felt very misunderstood and judged and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I have felt isolated and alone in my struggles and I don't want myself or anyone else to feel that way. So, here I go, I'm going to talk and not hide anymore. I'm going to share the good as well as the bad. I hope that is ok with all of you.
~Melissa
wishesforfishes@yahoo.com
Now it's your turn..."Hi, Melissa!"
Thanks, everyone, I feel so welcome now.
OK, enough of that silliness...
As I was saying I have, in trite words, girlie issues...basically every bit of my body that is a part of me being a woman has problems. I decided to start blogging and vlogging about it all as a way to accept and hopefully heal and deal with what life has handed me. I have endometriosis, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), have had cervical cancer (clean for 5 years now!), have had two miscarriages and a ruptured interstitial ectopic pregnancy. I have undergone 6 surgeries and several other abdominal procedures. Yup, my body is not always my friend, it is sometimes the worst enemy I can imagine but it's the only one I've got. I thought maybe if I shared my stories and experiences it would help me and maybe help others that are in similar situations.
Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. If you don't want to share your question publicly then please email me. I don't claim to be any sort of expert but I am a good listener and I will be honest with you. I think the hardest part of having gynecological and fertility problems is the feeling of not being able to talk about them. I know I have often felt very misunderstood and judged and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I have felt isolated and alone in my struggles and I don't want myself or anyone else to feel that way. So, here I go, I'm going to talk and not hide anymore. I'm going to share the good as well as the bad. I hope that is ok with all of you.
~Melissa
wishesforfishes@yahoo.com
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