My tiny fish that got away...

Some days are harder than others...this is one of those days.

In order to understand why that is I should probably share more of my story.

I found out that I was pregnant on September 5th and I was overjoyed!  We had just returned from our trip to Seattle for my little brother's wedding and I was tired all the time.  I blamed my exhaustion on the time change but as the days passed and I still couldn't shake it off I decided to look a little more closely at the calendar.  Hmm, I was a week late, could it be?!  I nervously took the test and there it was, a very distinct plus sign!  I started reading everything I could and annoyed Beau to no end with my daily updates on what was happening in my belly according to all my pregnancy apps.  We decided that we should wait to tell people till my second trimester because of my medical history but I did tell my sister-in-law almost immediately because I couldn't contain my excitement.

The next couple of weeks were some of the happiest times in my life.  I talked to my belly all the time.  I didn't have any major morning sickness but I did suffer from nausea and food aversions.  The baby seemed to relax anytime I was in the ocean which was perfect since I am such a water person.  We went for mile long swims every morning like I had been doing all summer.  I felt so bonded to the little fishlette growing inside me.  On Thursday the 13th while I was showering off after our swim something didn't feel right.  All of a sudden my nausea was out of control and I felt really dizzy.  I sat down on a beach chair in the yard to see if it all would pass.  It didn't, it just got worse.  I started having strong cramps on my left side.  I knew then that something was really wrong because 3 years ago I had the ovary and fallopian tube from my left side removed.  There was nothing on that side that should hurt but yet the pain was so intense that I was shivering and shaking at the same time.  I called Beau and told him that he needed to come home from work ASAP and take me to the emergency room.  He is used to my body's pain and problems so for him to hear that I actually was willing to spend the money for an ER visit meant it was very serious.

While I waited for him to come get me I called my doctor's office and spoke to one of the nurses who told me that as soon as I got to the ER to make sure they started an ultrasound right away and she would call my doctor and have her come in.  Of course the actual ER process never runs as smoothly as you hope it will.  While sitting in the waiting room, the pain got exponentially worse.  Thankfully I knew the woman at the sign in desk and she noticed that I wasn't doing well and went back to force a triage nurse to come out for me.  They put me in a room and started asking me if I wanted pain meds.  I kept refusing them saying that I wanted to know what was going on first.  I didn't care how bad I hurt, if there was any chance that the baby was ok then I would suffer in order to not take anything that could harm my little one.  They finally got me in for the ultrasounds and it was torturous.  Not only did the pressure of the wand on my abdomen hurt, not to mention what the internal wand felt like, but to lay there and not see a heartbeat just broke my heart.  I lay there sobbing quietly while Beau just squeezed my hand.

We were put back in my room and I was just trying to not panic Beau with the amount of pain I was in.  He hates hospitals and needles.  He could barely look while they hooked me up to all the IV's.  The pain was too bad to lay down so I was kind of stuck in a weird squat of sorts just trying to keep the pressure off.  My doctor later told Beau that she had no idea how I was able to sit up and talk during it all.  My blood pressure was so low that I shouldn't have even been awake.  When my doctor finally arrived I was so relieved.  I had had enough of the ER doctors and just wanted someone who knew me and my body.  She told me that she hadn't seen the ultrasound yet but the two options were ruptured cyst or ectopic pregnancy and they had to proceed as if it was the latter.  She told me she would go in laparoscopically to see what was going on.  She left to look at the ultrasound images and then ran back into the room and grabbed my hand.  She told me that she would now be doing a full laparotomy and she needed to do it as quickly as possible.  I had a ruptured interstitial or cornual ectopic pregnancy.  Instead of the typical tubal ectopic this was in the uterus but had adhered to the scar tissue where my left tube had been removed and had ruptured the uterus.  It is a very rare form but one of the most life threatening.  Not only had my baby died but I was now bleeding internally and was close to dying myself.

I had been texting my sister-in-law all afternoon and keeping her updated on what was going on.  I asked her to make all the calls to my family to save Beau on the stress of that.  I just asked that he call my boss and let them know that I wouldn't be in for a while.  I finally allowed them to start me on pain killers.  I had three IV's going in order to get in all the meds and also keep a safe line for a blood transfusion.  Beau just sat and kissed me or rubbed my feet while the staff rushed around us.  My doctor promised that she would do everything she could to save my uterus.  Thankfully she is amazing and was able to do just that.

I spent three days in the ICU.  My blood pressure took a long time to come back up.  24 hours post surgery and it was still at barely above coma level at 60/40.  It was a hard recovery.  I was physically in really rough shape and emotionally I was even worse.  All my dreams and hopes for the future were shattered.  I felt like yet again my body was failing me.  After they released me my doctor put me on two weeks of bed rest which was hard to get through especially knowing that my precious baby was gone.  It was hard to look at my body because the swelling made me look pregnant and I was still having all my pregnancy symptoms.  It was such a relief when the hormones started to settle down.  I was also told I could not swim for 6 weeks post surgery.  The one thing that calmed me was gone too.  The day after my 6 weeks was up I got back in the ocean, I didn't care that it was barely a 58 degree water temp.

Like I said before, some days are harder than others.  My sister-in-law has been a huge blessing during this time.  She has sent me care packages and beautiful cards from my little nieces and they planted a tree for my baby.  She has gone out of her way to validate that even though it was tiny my baby was real and mattered.  For that, I can never thank her enough.  Beau has been my rock.  Unlike me he looks at me and sees the woman he loves and not my scars.  I still struggle with pain as my body continues to heal.  My emotions are all over the place.  I don't go a day without thinking about my little one.  Some days I'm able to smile and laugh, others are filled with tears.  I really just want to make something good come out of all this bad.  I'm trying.

Halloween was hard because we were going to use that day to tell people about the pregnancy.  Thanksgiving was harder because not only was I not feeling very thankful I also woke up to pain at 3am to find out my period had started and it felt like a knife was in my incisions.  I am trying to enjoy Christmas and not give in to sadness during this time.  I will have a good Christmas and I will keep hope for this coming year!  I will repeat that as my mantra and maybe it will come true!