Back to the drawing...I mean blogging board...

I am sorry that I have been absent.  When I found out I was miraculously pregnant I didn't know how to talk about it.  I also had to take into consideration the feelings of my partner.  Beau wanted to keep our pregnancy private.  After coming so close to losing me along with our baby in September he didn't feel comfortable talking about this pregnancy.  Apart from my sister in law and a good friend from college who is a maternity nurse, we didn't tell anyone till we had entered my second trimester.  Things were also very up in the air with my employment and so it was also crucial to be cautious due to that.

I want to start talking again.  I want to share the highs and lows of my pregnancy and also the joys and trials of life as a mommy.  I want to be able to answer questions and support others who are dealing with loss and or pregnancy/motherhood after a loss.  If anybody feels the need to talk privately or have me post a question anonymously then please email me at melissa.w4f@gmail.com.

Thank you all for your support and patience.

October 15

October 15 is dedicated to pregnancy & infant loss.  I am holding my baby just a little closer today and thinking of her angel siblings that are looking down on us.  Mamma still loves you babies and we miss you everyday.  www.october15th.com

It's a girl!

It is official I am the worst blogger ever.  My pregnancy threw me for a loop and I guess I just shut down.  I apologize.

On August 9 at 5:02pm I welcomed the new love of my life to the world!  I did it, I made the most perfect little baby girl!  My body didn't fail me this time.  I am just filled with so much joy and happiness.  I will share the details of my pregnancy and her birth soon, but for now I am just going to snuggle my baby!

Holiday miracle?!

Sorry for the radio silence...the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I haven't exactly known how to talk about it all.  I still really don't know how to talk about it but I promised honesty and openness on this blog so I will try...

With the complications I have been having and the holiday season busyness I didn't really think too much of the fact that good ol' aunt flo hadn't made an appearance.  I was aware that I was late (I have been tracking my body since July, 2011 when I started a 6 month cycle of Lupron injections) but sort of assumed that my lateness had more to do with the pain and complications than with anything else.  Plus, I was having absolutely no symptoms and with both my prior miscarriages and with my ectopic I had the tiredness and nipple tenderness (sorry if that's TMI) and scent sensitivity very early on.  Well I guess I was a little on the tired side, but again blamed that on the fact that I wasn't sleeping well due to my discomfort and the holidays.  The other reason I didn't pay too much attention to my lateness was that we had been told after my ectopic to wait to try again for at least 4 months and my doctor scheduled an appointment to potentially give me the green light on January 22.  So we were actively taking precautions to avoid pregnancy.

On New Year's day I realized I was 10 days late and started to get nervous that there was something drastically wrong with me.  I wanted to have all the information before getting my doctors involved so decided to take a pregnancy test just to be able to tell them that I had ruled that concern out.  After waiting the requisite 3 minutes I glanced at the test.  Well, there was definitely a plus sign but one line was a lot darker than the other, in my head I convinced myself that the dark line was the one that always shows up, so I texted a photo to a good friend who is an OBGYN nurse.  Her response was, "no, that is definitely a positive!"  The dark line was the positive line.

Well instead of getting excited I just got terrified.  Why was I not feeling symptoms?  What about the adhesions from my ectopic?  When was I going to lose this one?  I'm still terrified.  I called my doctors office first thing on the 2nd and they had me go in for blood work right away and scheduled an ultrasound for the following day.  My HCG came back at 9,222 and Progesterone was 14.42, both really good numbers.  I still didn't relax.  I went in for the ultrasound and it was the same tech as the night of my ectopic, I was just watching her face waiting for the look of concern.  An ultrasound tech is not allowed by law to give any information and she reiterated that to me but also said that she could tell I was a bundle of nerves so she could give me some hints to try to put me at ease.  So throughout the scans she would say things like "now this is something we like to see" and "I am not seeing anything like I did the last time."  I saw the sack, I saw the tiny heart.  I still didn't relax.  My doctor called me that evening and informed me that everything was in the right place and the heartbeat was 100bpm and he would see me on Monday for a quick exam and then I will have another ultrasound this coming Friday.  I still didn't relax.  The absent symptoms have hit me with a vengeance this past week.  It's like they are making up for lost time.  But yet, I still can't relax.

I am a nervous wreck.  I feel like I'm about to burst into tears at any moment.  I don't know where to turn.  I feel like I don't fit into any of my usual support groups.  I am scared to offend the women in my ectopic group.  I am worried about scaring women who don't have my past in the regular pregnancy forums.  I feel like I am just waiting for the floor to drop out on me again.  I want to try to relax into this pregnancy, but I don't know how.  I feel like since the odds were so against this that maybe it has to be a good thing.  Maybe?!

Well, I don't know what the future holds for me and for this baby, but I guess for better or for worse I will talk about it on here.  I'm trying so hard to hold on to hope.  I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas computer land! Take some time today to hug someone you love, smile at a stranger, send prayers to those lost and do something nice for yourself. Also, get off the computer and media devices and interact with those around you, I promise it will be worth it...

Quick Update...

I don't have specific details right now on what is going on with my body but I wanted to post what updates I have.

The ultrasound went well.  I had been a little worried that going through it would dredge up a lot of sadness since if things had gone according to plan I would be 20 weeks now and seeing a whole different view on the screen.  The technician was so kind and nurturing that what could have been a horrible experience was very tolerable.  Thankfully the internal incision line appears to be strong.  The concern now is that during the healing process the uterus may have adhered to the abdominal muscle wall.

Both my doctors think it would be best for me to go see a reproductive endocrinologist who is also the head of the minimally invasive gynecology surgery department at a different hospital.  With finances being such a major issue for me right now I was lucky to get an appointment in just 3 weeks.  That will leave plenty of time to schedule a surgery before my deductible year changes on February 1st if that is needed.

For now I still hurt, but having a plan helps.  Beau had told me that I was losing my Christmas spirit so I have been going out of my way to try and regain it.  Here is the picture that accompanied my sister-in-law's email telling me about the tree dedication for my little fish, it will serve as a Christmas tree for this site.  Only 8 more sleeps till Christmas!

When life hands you lemons...

Well, it looks like I'm about to add to my giant life lemonade supply.

I mentioned that I've been having some rough days lately starting on Thanksgiving.  The pain on the left side of my uterus (the ruptured side) went from being random little twinges to hurting most of the time.  In my head I tried to convince myself that it is just the scar tissue doing weird things, but Beau told me that I was being silly and should talk to my doctor.  I called yesterday because I knew it was her day off and didn't want to bother her and figured I could just speak to one of the nurses.  Well, the nurse called my doctor who squeezed me in for an appointment today.

I just came from my exam and the concern is that the suture area has been compromised in some way.  I have to go in for an ultrasound on Monday.  Depending on what the ultrasound shows I may have to have yet another laparoscopy so that they can really make sure that everything looks good before they allow me to try to conceive.  I really, really, really do not want to have another laparoscopy.  Not only does it just add to my medical financial issues but it would also push back our time frame to start trying again by an additional 3 months after the surgery.  AARRGGHH!!

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that everything will be ok both physically and financially.  This will all be worth it at some point, it just has to be...can I offer anyone a glass of lemonade?