And The Winner Is...

The winner of the little mouse finger puppet is...

Go to my Facebook page to see who lucky #19 is!

Facebook giveaway...

I'm giving away this little finger puppet on Facebook for reaching 50 fans...

Everyone who has "liked" my Facebook page gets an instant entry but more entries can be earned by:

1: following this blog with email updates

2: commenting on any blog post

3: inviting a friend to my Facebook page

4: "liking" the post about the update

5: sharing the post

If you want to get in on the giveaway just head over to my Facebook page...

www.facebook.com/wishes4fishes

(And if you think this giveaway is fun just you wait to see what happens when I get even more followers!)

Is she your first...

Wanted to post my guest blog on my own page to share with you...

"Is she your first?"

I dread that question.  I smile/grimace and respond with a yes all while my heart aches.  Yes, she is my first baby that I have been able to snuggle in my arms, my first baby to come home with me, my firstborn but she is also my fourth child.  I have three angel babies that someday I can't wait to hold like I do their little sister, but in most company the mention of my other three babies would be met with a look of confusion and in some situations disgust.

Motherhood is not always measured by the number of children you can see.  Some of us have children that unfortunately we have not been able to share with the world.  We are still mothers.

Pregnancy and motherhood after loss has it's own set of challenges and I think most of us feel unable to talk about them.  Instead of feeling excitement after seeing my positive pregnancy test I felt a cold wave of terror.  How could I go through this again?  Would I lose this baby too?  Was my health at risk as I had almost died from a uterine rupture just three months prior?

I think reactions like mine are more common than we think but until we start sharing our experiences openly we will remain in seclusion.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  I didn't want to post on pregnancy sites and scare the happy mothers to be.  I didn't want to offend anyone on the grief & loss boards or ectopic pregnancy support groups.  Where did I belong?  I was between two worlds.

I decided to start a group for pregnancy after an ectopic but even that seems too specific and segregated.  I would love to find an outlet where all mothers (and their partners) who are dealing with loss can come together and receive the love and support they need.  Then someday I hope we can talk about the babies that make us mothers, the babies that the outside world can't see, without it being seen as strange or morbid.

I think one of the greatest gifts I have ever received was a card I got from my sister in law and nieces telling me that a tree had been planted for their baby cousin.  That gesture meant so much to me, it gave my baby the validity that I felt but the world didn't understand.  Knowing that at least one person out there saw me as the mother that in my heart I was gave me the strength to cautiously proceed through my fourth pregnancy.

I feel so blessed to finally be able to hold one of my children and proudly show her to the world.  Yet, I still miss and long for her three siblings.  I watch her and wonder what my other babies would have looked like and think how much fun they could have had playing with each other.  When she is older I will tell her about her three guardian angels and hope that she will understand and love them as I do.

Guest blog...

My guest blog is up...

http://pregoandmommychat.blogspot.com/2014/01/is-she-your-first_6.html?m=1

Welcoming in the new year with mastitis...

I spent my New Year's Eve in true mommy style...heating pad, breast pump and a fever of 102*...mastitis decided to rear its ugly head right in time for the festivities.

Earlier in the morning I noticed that a large portion of my right breast was still very hard even after a long nursing session.  I had dealt with the same scenario several weeks earlier and had 3 days of pain before I was able to get things unplugged and back to normal.  Thankfully I never had a fever or other problems that time but I was worried that it was the exact same area now.  I also didn't want to mess around since it was New Year's Eve and I didn't want to end up dealing with an ER visit if things got worse.  I called my doctor's office and they thought the smartest thing to do was have antibiotics on hand.  Of course as a breastfeeding mom the idea of taking any medecine freaked me out but it was just my backup plan...right?!

After putting Juniper down for the night I geared up with my heating pad and pump just like I had last time.  Was that dizzy feeling just in my head?  Yup, that had to be it, I was just panicking myself.  I went to bed excited about all that this upcoming year would bring.

When the sounds of the midnight fireworks woke me I realized I was in trouble.  I was shaking and shivering and my body hurt so badly I couldn't move.  At about 2am I managed to crawl out of bed to take my temp.  I saw the thermometer's light turn red...uhoh.  My backup plan was now reality.

In the morning my fever was down to a manageable level but I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  Every joint ached and I was very weak.  How was I supposed to be an attentive mommy when I could barely hold the weight of my baby to nurse her?  Juniper and I just cozied up and she didn't seem to mind having all the extra snuggle time.

Thankfully none of this has put a damper on my ability to breastfeed.  I have learned I can still be a good mom even when sick.  We just read books instead of taking a walk, I lay on the floor with her for tummy time, and there is nothing wrong with indulging in a nap together.

Mastitis used to be one of my big mom fears but now I've learned that I am tougher than it is!

my pump/heating pad routine

hmm...that doesn't look normal

Back to the drawing...I mean blogging board...

I am sorry that I have been absent.  When I found out I was miraculously pregnant I didn't know how to talk about it.  I also had to take into consideration the feelings of my partner.  Beau wanted to keep our pregnancy private.  After coming so close to losing me along with our baby in September he didn't feel comfortable talking about this pregnancy.  Apart from my sister in law and a good friend from college who is a maternity nurse, we didn't tell anyone till we had entered my second trimester.  Things were also very up in the air with my employment and so it was also crucial to be cautious due to that.

I want to start talking again.  I want to share the highs and lows of my pregnancy and also the joys and trials of life as a mommy.  I want to be able to answer questions and support others who are dealing with loss and or pregnancy/motherhood after a loss.  If anybody feels the need to talk privately or have me post a question anonymously then please email me at melissa.w4f@gmail.com.

Thank you all for your support and patience.

October 15

October 15 is dedicated to pregnancy & infant loss.  I am holding my baby just a little closer today and thinking of her angel siblings that are looking down on us.  Mamma still loves you babies and we miss you everyday.  www.october15th.com