Sorry for the radio silence...the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I haven't exactly known how to talk about it all. I still really don't know how to talk about it but I promised honesty and openness on this blog so I will try...
With the complications I have been having and the holiday season busyness I didn't really think too much of the fact that good ol' aunt flo hadn't made an appearance. I was aware that I was late (I have been tracking my body since July, 2011 when I started a 6 month cycle of Lupron injections) but sort of assumed that my lateness had more to do with the pain and complications than with anything else. Plus, I was having absolutely no symptoms and with both my prior miscarriages and with my ectopic I had the tiredness and nipple tenderness (sorry if that's TMI) and scent sensitivity very early on. Well I guess I was a little on the tired side, but again blamed that on the fact that I wasn't sleeping well due to my discomfort and the holidays. The other reason I didn't pay too much attention to my lateness was that we had been told after my ectopic to wait to try again for at least 4 months and my doctor scheduled an appointment to potentially give me the green light on January 22. So we were actively taking precautions to avoid pregnancy.
On New Year's day I realized I was 10 days late and started to get nervous that there was something drastically wrong with me. I wanted to have all the information before getting my doctors involved so decided to take a pregnancy test just to be able to tell them that I had ruled that concern out. After waiting the requisite 3 minutes I glanced at the test. Well, there was definitely a plus sign but one line was a lot darker than the other, in my head I convinced myself that the dark line was the one that always shows up, so I texted a photo to a good friend who is an OBGYN nurse. Her response was, "no, that is definitely a positive!" The dark line was the positive line.
Well instead of getting excited I just got terrified. Why was I not feeling symptoms? What about the adhesions from my ectopic? When was I going to lose this one? I'm still terrified. I called my doctors office first thing on the 2nd and they had me go in for blood work right away and scheduled an ultrasound for the following day. My HCG came back at 9,222 and Progesterone was 14.42, both really good numbers. I still didn't relax. I went in for the ultrasound and it was the same tech as the night of my ectopic, I was just watching her face waiting for the look of concern. An ultrasound tech is not allowed by law to give any information and she reiterated that to me but also said that she could tell I was a bundle of nerves so she could give me some hints to try to put me at ease. So throughout the scans she would say things like "now this is something we like to see" and "I am not seeing anything like I did the last time." I saw the sack, I saw the tiny heart. I still didn't relax. My doctor called me that evening and informed me that everything was in the right place and the heartbeat was 100bpm and he would see me on Monday for a quick exam and then I will have another ultrasound this coming Friday. I still didn't relax. The absent symptoms have hit me with a vengeance this past week. It's like they are making up for lost time. But yet, I still can't relax.
I am a nervous wreck. I feel like I'm about to burst into tears at any moment. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I don't fit into any of my usual support groups. I am scared to offend the women in my ectopic group. I am worried about scaring women who don't have my past in the regular pregnancy forums. I feel like I am just waiting for the floor to drop out on me again. I want to try to relax into this pregnancy, but I don't know how. I feel like since the odds were so against this that maybe it has to be a good thing. Maybe?!
Well, I don't know what the future holds for me and for this baby, but I guess for better or for worse I will talk about it on here. I'm trying so hard to hold on to hope. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time...
